The Fourteen-Year-Old

It's funny how blessings come in disguise, and a lot of them come in the form of pain or suffering. 

In 2006 my daughter, who was fourteen at the time, told me she was going to live with her dad. 

Just like that.

At first, I blew it off thinking it was just one of her ways she was trying to get what she wanted. Teenagers are good at manipulating situations like that. But it didn't take long for me to realize that she was really going to do it. 

I was hurt, and I was angry--how could anyone not be? I thought "My kids never did this (fill in the blank with a terrible teenage activity) or that. How could one of them choose this to do to me, to our family, to her sisters?" 

And so to help myself cope, and to stop her, I tried to make her feel guilty. 

I suppose you don't have to guess that it didn't do much to change her mind.

So it was through contemplation, prayer and love for my daughter that I came to the conclusion this was not about me. This was something she needed to do, to experience, to learn and grow from. I decided to do my best to support her, and this path she was choosing. 

Even though I knew this in my head, it still didn't take away the emptiness, pain and anger that I felt inside. Watching her go made my whole world as I knew it come crashing down. Writing about it now, I can actually feel that same pain again, but in a different way.

In order to ease the pain then, I decided to drink heavily (vodka and water is my favorite choice! It's clear and the water is hydrating!), but it didn't take me long to get out of that routine because it just made me feel worse. I had just begun practicing yoga and pilates (I'd had a tumor removed from my spine and my doctor had suggested it in my recovery). And I started focusing on the family I had left (that's how I felt) and taking better care of myself. 

I was still using the tools of prayer and contemplation and my focus started to shift…I started to ask for different things. I asked to see clearly in this situation, to love my daughter enough to forgive her, to forgive her dad and stepmom. 

Well, be careful what you ask for! 

If you're lucky enough for that to happen to you just overnight, then cheers, friend. For me it took a lot of discipline, and the ability to look at myself and notice when my judgments and thoughts were clouded. I began to pray for my "enemies," asking for them to be blessed and healed, to see clearly. 

When my daughter would call me crying and complaining about what was going on in her new space, somehow I shifted and began to support "them," even though I sometimes thought they were "wrong," and I would stay neutral in conversations regarding her issues with her new life. 

On one particular occasion, she was grounded by her dad on her birthday. Over the phone, I told her I understood how it felt to be grounded and stripped of your privileges, and that she had every right to be upset. I told her she needed to find a healthy way to express her pain and to realize this was the choice she made (to live with her dad), and she had to follow the rules they gave her. I told her there are different rules in different households, and she had to do her best to honor them (or at least not get caught!). 

Because of the physical separation from my daughter, our relationship and mother-daughter bond grew stronger.

By the time her high school graduation came around my heart had softened. I created my space. I stopped resisting what is, and learned forgiveness and love--both of and for myself and others. It can heal all wounds. 

Our relationship today is built on a firm foundation of love and stability. She knows that I love her no matter what, even though sometimes I don't agree with her decisions. She calls me when she needs advice, or a shoulder to cry on. I have given her the space to fly on her own, yet also help her keep her feet on the ground.

The best part? When she comes home from college, she wants to snuggle with me. 

You know what's funny, is how something so painful, something that brings you to your knees with such grief, can bring so much freedom. 

Michelle is momma to four: Zach, Taylor, Megan, and Anna (and wife to Dave). She's a lover of truth and life and passionate about helping others heal every aspect of their being. Michelle is also an advocate for raising awareness about Downs Syndrome--daughter Anna, born with DS, is her guru. Look for more of Michelle's posts, coming soon.