The Fourteen-Year-Old

It's funny how blessings come in disguise, and a lot of them come in the form of pain or suffering. 

In 2006 my daughter, who was fourteen at the time, told me she was going to live with her dad. 

Just like that.

At first, I blew it off thinking it was just one of her ways she was trying to get what she wanted. Teenagers are good at manipulating situations like that. But it didn't take long for me to realize that she was really going to do it. 

I was hurt, and I was angry--how could anyone not be? I thought "My kids never did this (fill in the blank with a terrible teenage activity) or that. How could one of them choose this to do to me, to our family, to her sisters?" 

And so to help myself cope, and to stop her, I tried to make her feel guilty. 

I suppose you don't have to guess that it didn't do much to change her mind.

So it was through contemplation, prayer and love for my daughter that I came to the conclusion this was not about me. This was something she needed to do, to experience, to learn and grow from. I decided to do my best to support her, and this path she was choosing. 

Even though I knew this in my head, it still didn't take away the emptiness, pain and anger that I felt inside. Watching her go made my whole world as I knew it come crashing down. Writing about it now, I can actually feel that same pain again, but in a different way.

In order to ease the pain then, I decided to drink heavily (vodka and water is my favorite choice! It's clear and the water is hydrating!), but it didn't take me long to get out of that routine because it just made me feel worse. I had just begun practicing yoga and pilates (I'd had a tumor removed from my spine and my doctor had suggested it in my recovery). And I started focusing on the family I had left (that's how I felt) and taking better care of myself. 

I was still using the tools of prayer and contemplation and my focus started to shift…I started to ask for different things. I asked to see clearly in this situation, to love my daughter enough to forgive her, to forgive her dad and stepmom. 

Well, be careful what you ask for! 

If you're lucky enough for that to happen to you just overnight, then cheers, friend. For me it took a lot of discipline, and the ability to look at myself and notice when my judgments and thoughts were clouded. I began to pray for my "enemies," asking for them to be blessed and healed, to see clearly. 

When my daughter would call me crying and complaining about what was going on in her new space, somehow I shifted and began to support "them," even though I sometimes thought they were "wrong," and I would stay neutral in conversations regarding her issues with her new life. 

On one particular occasion, she was grounded by her dad on her birthday. Over the phone, I told her I understood how it felt to be grounded and stripped of your privileges, and that she had every right to be upset. I told her she needed to find a healthy way to express her pain and to realize this was the choice she made (to live with her dad), and she had to follow the rules they gave her. I told her there are different rules in different households, and she had to do her best to honor them (or at least not get caught!). 

Because of the physical separation from my daughter, our relationship and mother-daughter bond grew stronger.

By the time her high school graduation came around my heart had softened. I created my space. I stopped resisting what is, and learned forgiveness and love--both of and for myself and others. It can heal all wounds. 

Our relationship today is built on a firm foundation of love and stability. She knows that I love her no matter what, even though sometimes I don't agree with her decisions. She calls me when she needs advice, or a shoulder to cry on. I have given her the space to fly on her own, yet also help her keep her feet on the ground.

The best part? When she comes home from college, she wants to snuggle with me. 

You know what's funny, is how something so painful, something that brings you to your knees with such grief, can bring so much freedom. 

Michelle is momma to four: Zach, Taylor, Megan, and Anna (and wife to Dave). She's a lover of truth and life and passionate about helping others heal every aspect of their being. Michelle is also an advocate for raising awareness about Downs Syndrome--daughter Anna, born with DS, is her guru. Look for more of Michelle's posts, coming soon. 

Teens & Tweens & Parenting Dreams

Dear Parents of Teenagers...and Future Parents of Teenagers,

We hear you.

You are not alone.

You have reached out to us and said, "I feel like I'm not doing enough. I feel like I'm failing. I need someone to tell me that this is all going to turn out okay."

For as scary as it was bringing that newborn baby home so many years ago, and worrying about things like SIDS, now you worry about how little sleep your kids get with a phone glued to their hands. And instead of fretting about pre-school and making friends, you just replace "pre-school" with "middle and high school." And instead of yourself constantly comparing your late walker or talker to the kids of your friends, you now worry about other kids judging your kid.

And posting those judgments online.

Often anonymously.

You can't scoop them up out of the crib and offer a "shhhhhhh" and a bottle and a little sway while humming your favorite lullaby.

Your sleep deprivation isn't in the form of an infant who wants to be held, but instead a teenager who wants some freedom...

...driving around on Saturday nights with friends.

You don't know if they're happy, because they don't talk to or respond to you in the ways that they used to. And if you don't know if they're happy, then you also don't know if they are afraid or alone or miserable or actually, completely fine.

You've reached out to us Honest Moms, and our experience reaches only so far--the age of five, to be exact--and really, we are clinging to these days of sweet cuddles and diapers (maybe not diapers), and play-dough and Saturday morning cartoons, and being the centers of our kids' worlds, because we know one day all too soon we will be in your shoes.

The best news is, we have found several parents willing to offer us this teenage perspective--to share your fears but also to let you know that you aren't alone and the kids turn out okay (we all did, right?) and what worked for them.

And most importantly, how much good there is in this phase of parenting. You can look for their posts coming in February and March.

For now, I offer you this:

I have worked with tweens and teens for the last decade and some change, and I want you to know one thing--your kids are great.

They are better than great, really, because what they don't offer up at home, they do at school. They are bright, and have incredible insight on how this world works. They try hard (most of the time), and for every time you hear about bullying and tearing kids down, I have two more stories to tell you about kids that stand up to such acts and play priceless positive roles in this community of raging hormones and mean girls and Snapchat.

My husband and I were recently watching the Saturday morning news segment in which they highlight the student athletes of the week. I turned to him and said, "How do we make our kids like that? Well-rounded and kind and smart and just plain awesome?"

"We lead by example," he responded.

And you are, dear parents and future parents.

You can't scoop up your tweenagers and shush them (and they certainly don't want anything to do with your singing), but you can show them what resiliency looks like, and you do. You show them what it is to stand up for themselves and others. You show them what it is to be kind, to keep trying, to work hard, to praise effort and success, to communicate, and love, and offer helping hands, and trust in powers greater than ourselves. And I'm telling you, it's enough.

You are doing enough.

-Kristin