Actually, I'm Not Fine--My Messy Beautiful

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I don’t like to complain.

And as I re-read that, it may be too bold of a statement. 

Let me clarify. I don’t like to complain about the important things in life. I certainly do my fair share of complaining. Last week it was about the never-ending Cleveland winter, and just this morning, I was lamenting with a co-worker over the price hike in monogramming at Pottery Barn Kids (which is highway robbery if you ask me, although the additional $1.50 won’t deter me from personalizing everything I purchase there…but I digress). 

But the important things, I keep quiet. Or to my most inner-circle. 

Lately? I get a lot of, “How are you doing with your husband working in North Carolina?” It's usually followed by an overly exaggerated grimace.

And my response is the same every time. In an upbeat voice I say, “I’m managing! We look forward to Fridays in our house!”

And it’s true. But it’s not the whole truth. 

I am managing. And I do look forward to Fridays. But being a Monday-to-Friday single mom is challenging, more than I ever imagined. I’m outnumbered. I’m exhausted. I don’t get a break. I don’t get to breathe. I yell too much. We watch too much TV. We don’t read enough books. I microwave dinner. Or order pizza. I don’t give the boys baths every single night. I count down the hours, minutes, and sometimes seconds until bedtime. And when my bedtime finally arrives, I can’t sleep. My mind is racing with tomorrow’s to do lists and I lay awake for hours. I’m lonely.

But I don’t want to burden YOU with that. I don’t want you to think I’m struggling, that I can’t handle this. I’m not trying to create the illusion that I’m a perfect mom, or that I can handle this effortlessly. Because I’m not. And I can’t. 

I just don’t want to rehash my daily grind in casual conversation. I don’t want to talk about how lonely I am.  I just want to talk to you, about the weather, and your garden, and how much candy your kids are going to consume on Easter Sunday, and do you have a good deviled egg recipe? 

And I don't want to feel lonely.

As hard as my Monday thru Friday is, it’s easier than being on the other side. Because I know the other side. I was the one that used to travel. Before I left my corporate job for a job that truly promotes a work/life balance, I spent the better part of 10 years as a road warrior. I'd travel for weeks at a time, across the world. I saw the sights of Vietnam, yet I missed my son crawl for the first time. The night my son spent in the hospital, I was in China with a Blackberry that didn’t work. And every picture my husband sent me while on a trip to Singapore and Malaysia, I cried.  Because I was missing out. On life. On the big moments, and the very little moments. And every moment in between.

I know that’s how my husband feels. I think that kind of heartache is worse than any hectic day as a single parent. Hands down. 

So on my toughest days--the days I’m exhausted, discouraged, defeated, and alone--I look around at all that I have, embrace the support that so many have offered me, and escape in the conversations I'll have with you about those crazy cute and overpriced Pottery Barn beach towels. 

And there's always comfort in the fact that Friday is never more than six days away. 

-Laura

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