Thursday, April 10, 2014

My House Was Clean Yesterday... Sorry You Missed It.


Oh my gosh, don’t worry about it!

It’s my immediate response when a fellow mom apologizes for the state of her house or the layer of grime in her car. I play along. I swear, with a chuckle, I’m not judging. I go on about what terrible shape my house is in…

But honestly, fellow mom? I totally am. I am judging you. I am stink-eyeing your baseboards and dying to see if you have that weird produce gunk at the bottom of your fridge. But not for the reason you might think. It really has nothing to do with you.

I love the blog finding joy. In it Rachel Martin ardently argues that we as mothers need to stop apologizing for the dishes in our sinks and the Legos on our family room floors. Instead, we should work together to reestablish the pre-Facebook community of mothers that supported one another on their couches and in their kitchens.

Thinking that we fall anywhere short of Pinterest-perfection leaves us feeling like losers and terribly alone. I have avoided participating in most forms of social media because I already suffer enough by comparison―I don’t need to access it on my laptop and handheld device. 

I’ve been suffering my whole life.  I was judging book-covering materials in elementary school, staring into lockers to admire others’ organizers in high school, and sweeping my eyes into the corners of dorm rooms in college. Now, whenever I step into someone else’s house I’m hyper-vigilant.

I judge the cleanliness of your floors and the tidiness of your kitchen counters. Do you find the time to wipe down your baseboards? If I’m really being honest with myself, my judgy-ness (it’s a word) is grounded in making myself feel superior. I am laser-focused on your house because it makes me feel less like a failure. 

<phew> Her perfectly layered knickknacks need a good dusting...I’m not a hopeless slob that’s going to raise the smelly kid in school.

It’s an unfortunate female trait I had long before I had kids. Being super-judgmental has been a coping mechanism since bodysuits were cool and I was too timid to snap my tops on. Why do women do this to one another? Why do we have to mock and judge each other? Reading the comments to any online parenting article makes me want to curl in a ball and eat an entire bag of Cheetos.

I attack housework the same way I did writing papers in college. I was deeply concerned with how my professors viewed me. I wanted to be the top student who always delivered exemplary work. I’d set up everything perfectly on my desk...then I’d discover the Popstars marathon playing all Saturday afternoon.  (Please don’t deny watching it―that cheapens the experience for all of us.) Then I’d be up all night, sick to my stomach, throwing together crap and cursing my procrastination.

I want to have the spotless house that I am proud of and unafraid to welcome surprise guests into. But Pinning homemade cleaners and cabinet-organization-schemes is sometimes all I do. I spray environment-killing chemicals all over the place and cause a frying pan landslide every time I need to sauté something.  Now my husband’s return from work or my mother-in-law coming for dinner is my deadline and I’m sick to my stomach and cursing the end of nap-time.



I was taking the compulsory and entertaining tour of a friends’ new home. The new homeowner was discussing how filthy the last homeowner had been. She told me with great disgust how there were cobwebs all through the basement. I could feel my face warming. I immediately began picturing the cobwebs on full display in my basement, on the front hall light and twinkling in the sun on both kids’ bedroom blinds.  

Oh, haha, I bet I have a bunch of those myself…

No! Not like hers! You wouldn’t live like that!

Instead of being hurt or stressed, her comments actually made me feel so much better. She didn’t think of me as being dirty like the last owner of her home. She couldn’t fathom I could be so negligent as a mom and Chief COH (Cleaner-of-House). That’s what mattered to me:  that a fellow mom had faith I wasn’t Pig Pen.

I don’t really care if you have figured out how to keep your bathroom towels fluffy with a house full of kids.  I don’t actually mind that suspicious stain on the hall rug. Why do I judge? Because I am afraid I won’t measure up to you. All we really want is to be liked and I have somehow attached having a clean home with being accepted.

Rachel Martin is right. I need to stop torturing myself by comparison. My friend with the sparkling house that always looks perfectly put together? She truly believes me better-than-cobweb-lady. And the next time she comes to my house? I’m not apologizing for the tray under the water dispenser on the fridge. But I am asking her how the hell she gets her's so clean. 

-Elizabeth

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