My Kid Won't Effing Sleep

When we moved back to Ohio (about a year and a half ago), I remember my mother commenting, “You guys are so lucky that L goes to sleep so easily!  It’s amazing!” At two and a half, he went down easy and stayed down all night. Embarrassingly, I remember talking to a friend around the same time who was struggling with sleep issues in her son, and talking about my refusal to co-sleep, and how our awesome bedtime routine kept L in his bed at night. Sure, he occasionally woke up with the roosters, but that’s pretty normal, right?

At this point, I can’t remember exactly when things changed. I do remember that L got sick last winter. He had a fever--a high one--and was moaning and crying. Despite my (lengthy and expensive) medical training, I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with him. I can’t even remember how he got into our bed the first time. Did he wander in? Did we bring him into bed? But I remember thinking that it was okay because I wanted to keep a close eye on him. We woke up a lot during those feverish nights, but we would have anyway.  When you're giving Motrin, checking temps, and cuddling to soothe, nobody sleeps well when the kids are sick, amirite?

Then he got better. On the first night that he was “better," my husband and I toasted each other for a good night’s sleep over a glass of wine at bedtime. An hour after we fell asleep, the door creaked open and L wandered in. I was so tired, I barely noticed. Snuggling under my arm, I pulled him close and fell quickly back to sleep.

YOU GUYS.  THAT WAS A YEAR AGO. 

My kid is still wandering into my room. Crawling into my bed. Whining or crying. Nightly. 

When I say we’ve tried it all, I mean we’ve tried it all. We started nice and simple: walking him back to his bed, and tucking him in sweetly. That progressed to sitting on the floor next to his bed, or sitting in a chair in his room. This then escalated to sternly telling him he must stay in his room, bribing him with everything we could think of, taking away everything we could think of, closing the door, turning on the hall light, the closet lights. There were nights where he had nothing left in his room but the bed and dresser. We took away his lovey once and I remember thinking, “If this doesn’t work, I don’t know what we’ll do."

And since it didn't work we had to find something else to do, and we became even more serious. We put up a gate--he crawled over it. We put up two gates--he screamed and tantrumed. His brother, A, was still an infant at this point, with infant sleep patterns, and I was constantly afraid he would jack up the baby's sleep. We would set our limits, but one of us would wind up going in there to keep him quiet. And with the exhaustion, we only felt him crawl in to our bed half the time. 

Excuses? Sure, but we absolutely need at least four hours of sleep at night. Uninterrupted. Sometimes you have to just survive.

For awhile, we had a sleeping bag on the floor next to us, and told him he wasn’t allowed in our bed, but if he needed to be in the same room as us, he could crawl in the sleeping bag. It worked for a bit. 

But now we find ourselves smothered by winter, and the germs brought home from pre-school, and our ridiculous work schedules. The fact that no one is healthy is making this that much more difficult.

Last week, A screamed from 10 p.m. until midnight. And then L wandered in at 2 a.m., and whined and moaned and wouldn’t lay down in his sleeping bag. I was over it. Broken down. Exhausted.

At 3 a.m., I hissed, "Just go to sleep! Go to sleep right now! This isn’t a choice!” And then he started crying louder. I didn’t spank him, but only because the voice in my head was telling me, “He’ll just cry more." 

He still talks about that night. “Mommy, remember when you yelled at me about not sleeping? That made me feel really bad." Cue the guilt.

There are nights, I'll share, that L stays in bed, all night, no problem. Mind you, they are few and far between. Faaaaaaar between. 

And then there are nights when he literally beats the gates out of the woodwork around his door in a massive tantrum and I threaten to lock him in his room if he doesn't stay in bed and then he falls asleep and I think "Victory!" 

Sleep deprivation will make you think crazy things. 

Last night was a repeat of all of the above: work fatigue, everyone sick including myself, and my sweet L not having anything to do with staying in his bed. I tucked him back in bed, and he snuck back in, and my night time sleep was very much a horror movie on repeat. At 5:40 a.m., he came in for the third time, refused to lay down and declared, “Mommy, I hurt all over."

This brings us to now. Today. Five hours of broken sleep for the I don't even know how many days in a row now...392?...and no one in my house is an infant. Please note, I know what Ferber said about cry it out, and implemented it for both boys as infants (effectively, for a while!). The No-Cry solution is and was crap for us--my boys were never convinced by it. I actually worked with Dr. Weissbluth in Chicago, and he’s just a stricter version of Ferber. 

What do you do when the books and theories and advice don’t work? Real life kids don’t read the books--they don’t do what they are “supposed” to do.

Look, I’m not a softie. We’re pretty strict with our kids about expected behavior. That said, the last thing I want is to let a kid who’s truly scared, hurting, or sick feel like he’s alone in the middle of the night. But honestly? Nothing is working. And the reality is that I’m exhausted. 

I’ll read more of my sleep books…I'll find some new ideas…just as soon as I catch a quick nap…

Anyone have any suggestions for the kid who won’t stay in his own bed?

-Julia