Showing Up is Most of The Battle

Just introduce yourself, she says.

It’ll be simple, she says.

Unless you’re me, and you’ve never written a blog post before. Who knows what you want to hear? I only get one chance to make my first impression!

Should I tell you about the time at the park that another boy was running into A (my almost 2 year old son) when L (my 4 year old son) ran over as fast as he could yelling “Don’t push my brother!!!” and how my heart just exploded all over the whole situation? Couldn’t be more proud of my oldest, defending his little brother at the drop of a hat, without even a moment of hesitation.

Or should I tell you about the time (last night, the night before that, the night before that), when L crawled into our bed whimpering that he was scared. Of what, he couldn’t say specifically, just that the only cure was inserting himself in between C (the hubby) and I and snuggling in. Have I mentioned that  the number of nights I’ve slept the entire night without L in my bed in the last year could probably be counted on my fingers? This from a woman who swore - swore! - to never co-sleep.

My boys switch moods like a postpartum mother:  A grabs a puzzle piece from the puzzle L is doing and races across the living room, followed quickly by L grabbing A by the arm and pulling - hard - until I hear screaming from both of them. I turn around from checking the clock (to see if it’s 5 o’clock yet) to find L pulling his brother into his lap to read the latest Mickey book from the library.

We don’t help any of this by our crazy schedules. C and I both work in emergency departments, meaning that our schedules look as if a newborn spit up all over a calendar. We work any and every time - days, evenings, overnights, weekends, holidays. The idea of consistency and routine - you know, those basics that all toddlers and preschoolers need - is lost in our house. We try hard to provide routine as much as possible, and our boys have proven to be quite adaptable, but our own chaos can’t help but introduce chaos into the house.

When L breaks down after school, a 4 year old throwing a 2 year old tantrum, I find myself questioning every decision: do I hug him, to give him the attention he clearly needs after a day of being a “big boy” all day at school? Do I ignore him, so that he learns that a tantrum isn't the path to get his way? Neither of these answers has worked consistently. And the truth is, I’m a pediatrician - I know what the textbooks say should work. But I also know that 4 year olds rarely read the textbook. And despite trying what my mother’s friend’s aunt said always worked for her son, that simple goal of consistency is lost oh-so-fast in my personal struggle to decide what is best for MY child, in MY house, at THIS moment.

I think the truth is that there is no right answer to all of these parenting dilemmas. We all make the decisions that we think are best, but the hardest part of parenting is to be consistent. And if you’re anything like me, it’s a heckuva lot easier to give in, order pizza, and turn on the TV after I’ve been at work all day and can only think about making it to bedtime.  Sometimes, we can’t be the pinterest-worthy parent, or even the parent our kids deserve, but the fact that we show up at all, that we wake up with them again the next morning (or in the middle of the night), that’s what makes us all great parents.

The triumphs, the struggles of every single day... that is parenthood. These are the things that we all share. It’s not so much good days and bad days, as it is good hours and bad minutes. Having one of the moments where you want to scream, or cry, or curse at your children?  Just take a deep breath and wait five minutes.

-Julia